functioning dysfunctional family

What is a functioning dysfunctional family ?
well. its one that is not close to one another, one that doesn’t quite hang out together, doesn’t have family trips together, and doesn’t quite enjoy the company of one another. But is still sticking together.

prime example. My family.
Dad’s in Vietnam, Mum’s obsessed with Christ. Brother that has moved out, but is still across the road.
myself. hmm. While i do love my parents, its in a kinda abstract way. Its like i have been raised to respect and care for my parents. but to truly say that i LOVE them. is not quite true. i appreciate them, and what they have done for me and my bro, but is that love ? somehow doesn’t quite seem like it, eh ?

i’ve always treasured my independence, but to the point of always doing things myself. not quite trusting other. why ? maybe I’ve been disappointed by those around me time and again to the point where i only trust myself.

Is that fair to people around me? i can only say this. “nope” but i’m trying my best to be fair to me.

i think about the kind of relationship i had when i was in pri sch with my parents and then i look at what we have now. its just kinda messed up. what went wrong ?

maybe we just do not know how to express our love for one another. the infamous asian parent – child paradigm. parents as the provider, the kid as the receiver, up till the point where they do not need the parent’s support and then they try to seek independence. where love for one another is an abstract not quite a fact.

I do not really like my relatives, except for maybe a few aunts, one of whom is now in the states, and one of whom is facing health problems. In theory, if i was to have a wedding, almost none of my relatives will be invited.

Maybe its just that as we grow up, we start to see the cracks / holes in the relationships. and as we grow up even more, we see these cracks becoming huge gulfs. kinda like how a stream becomes a river over the year. parents used to hide these with some semblance of normalcy, but as we get older, the farce becomes more obvious to us.

My mum’s obsession with Christ. Yeah, we all loved God. up to the point where my mum had to have an abortion when i was in NS. they said she was too old to have a safe birth. ever since then she’s been throwing herself into Church activities, and basically giving away almost everything to the church.

her fanaticism for Christ has managed to drive a wedge between her and the rest of the family. we can appreciate the reasons for the fanaticism, but at times. we truly wonder if its going overboard. 

myself ? i have a wavering relationship with christ. its like a car driven by a drunkard. its not always going along the straightest road. I dunno. that is a different topic for a different day. 

but then at times i wonder. did i create the gulf between my parents and myself ? through some of the stupid things i did. in fact MANY of these stupid things. I didn’t know how to appreciate these back then. I only learnt all these later on in life. i got in trouble and they bailed me out so many times its insane.

i didn’t let my parents into my life once i hit the age of 14 / 15. i craved independence. and now that i have it. i do regret it somewhat. 

a few songs that have always affected me since i first heard them back in JC.
the living years by mike and the mechanics and cats in the cradle by Ugly Kid Joe.
2 of the most powerful songs about growing up and the distance that develops and the regrets that will come.

The living Years

Cats in the cradle

on that sombre note. i will end this post, and maybe will pick it up again. someday.

TV overdose.

Just watched the first half of So You Think You Can Dance Season 3.
Its a fantastic show, and you can really see how the dancers progressed from show to show.

the choreographers are Sick! in a good way that is, though Wade Robson is kinda twisted. seriously twisted. but brilliant. Mia and shane are definitely amongst my favorite choreographers.

A memorable quote:
“i noticed a trend among the choreographers, and it is in that most of the time, the dance ends with one party walking away. NOT ALL RELATIONSHIPS END THAT WAY!”

1 take away: the west coast swing routine By Benji for Pasha and Sara.
Not so much the dance itself but rather what the judges said. “Benji could have made it easier for Sara by toning it down, but instead, he pushed them to the next level, and it paid off.”

This is applicable to teaching in this way:
As educators, we have to keep pushing the students, to stretch their limits so that they will know what they are really capable of, instead of just letting them be, and letting them give up on themselves or continue being mediocre.

The Video: Its Stunning!

Benji in action:

Season 4 is in production now. Guess who’s been watching every episode as soon as it is released ? =p

Reflections.

Generally, a lot of thought was put into the planning of the staff retreat.

I had fun in some areas, totally bored in some, extremely irritated at some points.

We had plenty of fun though, lots of laughs, lots of smiles, and some craziness. but just wasn’t in the mood to totally let loose. i am so bloody tired nowadays. 

Hmm. 

I also had a near death experience. the feeling was so surreal, and for that moment. time froze, but no, my life didn’t flash before my eyes. only a tinge of regret for so many things that i had yet to accomplish.

So much to do, and yet. so little time. a common statement, a common way of thinking. but when we really wanna do something, we will find the time to do it. true ? i think so.

I’m gonna go sign up for courses to learn things that i wanna learn. gonna start reading the stuff i wanted to read. and do certain things that i feel i need to do.

Hiding one’s feelings from others for too long. its a pain. but i dun wanna break my golden rule yet again, considering what happened the last time round. god. what a mess. but i might just ‘fess up one day. we’ll see.

On a different note, Itunes visualisations are mad. fantastic and extremely trippy. i can stare at it for hours on end.

fantastic. its now 45 minutes away from monday. sigh.

One song that struck me today

 

 

She was staring out the window
Of their SUV
Complaining, saying,
I cant wait to turn 18
She said, “I’ll make my own money”
And I’ll make my own rules”
Mama put the car in park 
Out there in front of the school
And she kissed her head
And said ‘I was just like you”

You’re going to miss this
You’re going to want this back
You’re going to wish these days
Hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re going to miss this

Before she knows it
She’s a brand new bride
In her one bedroom apartment
And her daddy stops by
He tells her “It’s a nice place”
She says “It’ll do for now”
Starts talking about babies
And buying a house
Daddy shakes his head
And says “Baby just slow down”

Cause 
You’re going to miss this
You’re going to want this back
You’re going to wish these days
Hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re going to miss this

Five years later
There’s a plumber
Working on the water heater
Dogs barking, phones ringing
One kids crying, one kids screaming
She keeps apologizing
He says “They don’t bother me.
I’ve got two babies of my own.
One’s 36, one’s 23.
It’s hard to believe…”

But 
You’re going to miss this
You’re going to want this back
You’re going to wish these days
Hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re going to miss this
You’re going to miss this
Yeah you’re going to miss this